During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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