Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
