Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
