I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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