STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
