Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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