I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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