Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
