my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
