It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
