I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Girls should come with a carfax report
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
