My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
