Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
