sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
