remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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