i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
