Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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