We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
