I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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