Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
