you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
