You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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