I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
