billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
