you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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