maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
