How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize