I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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