you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
