I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
