remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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