My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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