I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
