i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
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