I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
