hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
