and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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