im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
