I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
