We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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