yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
