I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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