Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
