She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
