A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
