I'm going to jail i love you
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
