I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
