i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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