You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
