Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
