The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
