Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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