i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
