I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
