Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
