I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
