At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
