Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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