My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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