you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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