So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
