My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
